Here I stand. I can do no other. God help me. I'm a pastor.

I think because I started being a Christ-follower in the Lutheran tribe, at times I find myself being possessed by the ghost of the reformer, Martin Luther. The Martin Luther who in 1521 at the Diet of Worms [one of the best names for an event in history - just saying] was asked to either renounce or reaffirm his writings, and said,

"Unless I am convinced by proofs from scripture or by plain and clear reasons and arguments, I can and will not retract, for it is neither safe nor wise to do anything against conscience. Here I stand. I can do no other. God help me, Amen."  

At times Luther just comes out of me. I think it is because, as a pastor, I can relate to what he must have been feeling and going through. Pastors spend a great deal of energy in the area of "ongoing reform" - personally and corporately.

If it is not the ghost of Martin Luther rearing his voice in my life, then I usually am simply wanting to run away [but my wife always is quick to remind me that I can't.]  Much like Luther at times, I find myself saying things that I think are out of my mind, but I just can't zip my lip quick enough. And at other times I try to say things that are "acceptable and pleasing," only to find the truth just getting in the way. Running always seems to be a possible option - or a necessary one.

Overtime, the feelings of the people I serve and pastor get back to me [especially when my inner-Luther shows up]- usually through the "church grapevine."  They usually fall into three categories - People who... 

• Assume that I must have an agenda. 
• Think I don't care. 
• Want me to be someone else. 

The reality is - I do have an agenda.  What pastor, minister, or religious figure of any faith doesn't? [I sense the ghost of Luther again.] I believe God has called women and men to be his agents in this world - to make visible His Kingdom. My agenda is first and foremost to love God and love others (what I and others have called "The Jesus Creed").  If my agenda stems from these two commands (which Jesus said were the most important) then everything I do and say must flow out of them. So there is an agenda I am willing to stand upon.  

The reality is - I do care - sometimes too much, or maybe more accurately - too broadly. I try and care about ALL people - not just the ones that are easy to care for. I care for failures. People who have fears. People who are lonely. People in our world who are running from something, those who are angry, wounded, scared, and not sure of themselves. I care about those hiding from something, those sick and unhealthy, those who are guilty, and those who have forgotten how to live life in the present moment to the fullest. What I am saying is that I care for people just like me. I can do no other.

The reality is - I often want to be someone else.  I want to be all that my friends, neighbors, parishioners, sisters and brothers want me to be. I lack a lot on my own. That is why I need so often to be reminded of my dependence on the God of the Universe and his willingness to have a relationship with me.  God help me.

Sure there are times, I put my foot down, and say, "Here I stand" for my own reasons. I get angry. I raise my voice. I get in trouble. But more often I get weary. Actually, I get completely worn out, sick and tired, and yes, at times I get a cynical streak in me. I have over and over given up and thrown in the towel on the game we call religion - all while bystanders wait for me to fail, to stumble, to disagree with them, so they too can join the crowds in crying out "Crucify him!"

Yet, here I stand. I can do no other. God help me. I'm a pastor.