Remembering That I Am Called

From the Journal of Robert S. Henry 
November 2, 2000  The Night Before My Ordination
Spiritual Retreat at the Cenacle, Warrenville, IL.


I arrived around 5:00pm and was asked to wait for Sister Sheila who would give me a tour and escort me to my room. I stayed in room 29, a nice room w/ bed, desk, an interesting rocker, sink, dresser, and nightstand. Missing was the telephone, clock, TV or radio.

At 5:30pm I made my way to dinner in Bethany Dining Hall. There I met up with other retreaters - 2 women (sisters I assume) and 4 men. One of the men looked like he was depressed - made me think of dad. One man looked exhausted. One looked like the maintenance man, wearing blue jeans and denim shirt with a dark tan and wavy white hair. The other man sat directly across from me. Our eyes never met. Dinners were in silence. The noise of the forks and spoons and dishes clanking seemed to annoy me. Dinner was nutritious. Spaghetti and meatballs, carrots, salad (which I skipped), bread, variety of drinks - I had lemonade and coffee, and for dessert, banana cake. As we all ate at the two tables in the small room music played that calmed my soul. At dinner I felt close to God. It was as if in the silence I realized He was there. Since it was dark I was not able to see outside - but as I glanced at the window I saw my own reflection and remembered why I was there.

After dinner I came back to room 29. I put my stuff away and got comfortable. After getting comfortable I made my way to that weird rocker (where I am now). I began my time of devotion w/ early evening daily devotions (Book of Common Prayer). I prayed for this retreat, Sue and Alex and for God to reveal Himself to me. After opening in prayer I decided to read the daily readings. The first was from Rev. 13:1-10. In vs. 6 I read that those who believe are His temple and realized my importance!  But even before that I read vs. 10 where it says,

But do not be dismayed for here is your opportunity to have endurance and faith.

These words spoke to me because this retreat is just that. Praise God!!

Even though my room is a lighter shade of blue I have two beautiful pieces of art work. One is a crucifix that continually draws my attention. The other is a picture by a person named Maurice Wilhoit (wonder if any relation to Jim?) The picture was ugly at first but as I looked I saw the depth. The picture is of a "ghost town" style town (1800's?) It is winter. The leaves have fallen and snow is on the ground but people are walking down the narrow street. The first thing that comes to mind is they are on their way to church. The picture portrays and gives off a rather cold feeling. Much like the tile floor in the room. Since I have taken off my watch and am not tired I believe I will read some more at this time.

The second verse of the daily lectionary was Luke 12:13-31.  Some verses stuck out and spoke to me again.

Vs. 15 "Real life is not measured by how much we own." I feel God has been telling me this for a while now!  Especially after reading about Nate Saint!

Vs. 21 "Yes, a person is a fool to store up earthly wealth but not have a rich relationship with God." This verse helps me realize that I am here to build, strengthen, nurture that relationship.

Vs. 22 God tells me not to worry about everyday life but rather He is leading me to look at nature and animals tomorrow so I can see His awesomeness. God knows my needs (vs. 30) and I believe He has begun to reveal to me my provision.

Thank you Jesus for wanting a relationship w/ me! I want to spend time in your presence. Open my heart and search my soul. Revive and prepare me by your Holy Spirit! All praise to YOU!! Amen.

It was now time for me to go and spend some time w/ God. I decided to go the Upper Room (i.e. the Cenacle). There is a smaller chapel w/ few lights, an open Bible and a center altar w/ stained glass. I knelt on large pillows. There were chairs but I was drawn to my knees. I focused my time by reading Psalm 139. Asking the Lord to search my heart.  After two or three readings I slowed down taking sections slowly. After the first section I paused asking the Lord to search my heart for unconfessed sin. As I kneeled with hands outstretched and head on the floor, I began remembering sins from my childhood through today. This experience was overwhelming. I continued to ask the Lord to seek my heart and He did. After a long period of time I felt cleared, nothing else was coming but the words to Psalm 51.

Create in me a clean heart, O God. Renew a right spirit within me. Do not banish me from your presence, and don't take your Holy Spirit from me. Restore to me again the joy of your salvation and make me willing to obey you!  Then I will teach your ways to sinners and they will return to you!!

 And I continued to read through all of Psalm 51 being cleansed of the sins I had confessed.

I then broke out in song. Keith Green's version of Psalm 51 and then moved on to hymns - Love Divine All Love Excelling, All Hail The Power of Jesus Name, and O For A Thousand Tongues To Sing. 

Feeling freed I made my way down the steps and to the bookstore. Got a cup of coffee and then ended back in my room where I am writing at this time. The crescent moon is bright tonight. As I worshiped I saw it peering in the window.

Thank you Jesus for this awesome time to be with you!!

After sleeping somewhat through the night, I awoke refreshed and with a little anxiety for this day. The silence at night was hard. I even had to leave a light on because it was so dark. After reading morning devotions from the (BCP), I decided to read my daily readings.

Titus 2 challenged me to "Let everything I do reflect the integrity and seriousness of your teaching. (vs. 7)." 

Vs. 12 "To turn from godless living and sinful pleasures."

In vs. 15 God affirms me in my role as priest. "You have the authority to do this. So don't let anyone ignore you or disregard what you say."

Hosea 9 shed light on the fact that
"The prophet is a watchman for my God over Israel, yet traps are laid in front of him wherever he goes. He faces hostility even in the house of God." 

Those words speak to me as I prepare for my ordination tonight! 

Text and drawing from my journal, November 2, 2000.

After a nice breakfast of cereal and English muffin, I made my way out into nature. Strolling around the premises I searched for a dry place to sit. None were found.  I stood on the small bridge and watched the water pass.  I began to sing "As the Deer" which was the song of my heart. I soon made my way to two large rocks that were in the sun. The dew had evaporated, so I sat to pray.  As I looked down the river flowing in front of me I was prompted to draw the view. 

This will be a continual reminder of the beauty of God in nature!  I thank God for the sound of water, for the ducks, for the weeping willows that bow to Him! The bridge reminded me that crossing this bridge was a new hope for me. My life would not be the same. 

Lord let this day build a bridge so I can experience you more!! In the stillness I have heard your voice! Praise to You!     

After basking in the God's creation I returned indoors to partake in my first Roman Catholic Mass w/ Eucharist. Being a little nervous, I followed the Sisters' lead and sat in the back row. Much of the service was the same as ours. More talk of saints and Mary, but in a different way - very "religious." The homily was a round table "open" homily, where anyone could share. Several people shared feelings from the text, and personal convictions. God blessed me through their words - but the Eucharist seemed powerful. So powerful I have a hard time remembering the rest. As the words of institution were read I could feel Jesus' presence. Even though it seemed like a fast running through of the motions, I felt at peace. As the priest proclaimed the bread and wine the Body and Blood (actually) I became very nervous. But as I joined the community in taking the bread and drinking the cup I was overwhelmed w/ PEACE!

No longer was I nervous but I felt calm and relaxed as if He was filling me from the inside! As we closed singing "Praise to God" I knew that Jesus was with me and that he is doing a powerful thing today in my life!

Thank you for this intimate exposure to you, Lord Jesus. Holy, Holy, Holy Lord God of Heaven! Blessed be Your name now and forever!

It is now after lunch and I have had my noon devotions, read the daily readings, and finished the charge by Michael Ramsey in "The Christian Priest Today." I spent the morning walking and sitting by the streams. I enjoyed the peace and relaxation. I read for over an hour in a beautiful room. The chair was a rocker that creaked and squeaked.

Before my lunch I sat in my room and picked up the book by my bed, The Gift of Peace by Jospeh Cardinal Bernardin. It is a book of personal reflections. The first chapter drew me in since it was about his ministry from ordination on. The chapter was titled, "Letting Go."  As myself, Joseph struggled with prayer. Good works and ministry were no problem, but prayer was a struggle. I related to him and his struggles.

The thing God has taught me this retreat has been  to be more open to those around me. Even if they come from different backgrounds or denominations. I thank God for my Roman Catholic brothers & sisters.

Lord help me to humble myself so You will be glorified today, tonight, and always.

 I will spend the last hour and a half in silence and preparation for God's anointing tonight!

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This account has not been altered, edited or embellished, it is simply a journal of memories of the hours leading up to my ordination. Much has changed in my life since this day, but it is a good reminder of God's faithfulness and patience with me - and that He is still teaching me some of the very same lessons almost 15 years later.  Thank you God for your faithfulness.