Niceness the Silent Killer

Lately, I have read a great deal about the “judgmental-ness” of the Christian church.  And much of it is true to its word. Just a few nights ago at a “Theology on Tap” gathering I listened to a woman passionately share her disgust for the church because of its judgmental demeanor and finding her an unwelcome outcast. Her response was simply walking away. 

 

Yet, I am a minister in the church – so I serve within what others describe as a judgmental system. And often I am found defending the church or trying hard to give a different impression to those on the outside (and too often the inside as well).  As I ponder this, I have to ask a question, “Is it all about judgmental-ness?” Is it all about the lack of tolerance or insensitivity?  Because, what I see (from the inside) is a slightly different picture.  And it may just be the root of the issue.

I believe niceness is killing the church.

You just said to yourself, “What does he mean, the church is supposed to be nice, right?”

As children, most of us were taught to be nice to others. Be nice to your friends, your teachers, and the neighbor children.  I was taught to be nice because Jesus was nice to others. But in Sunday School we were read those verses about Jesus turning over tables and even fabricating a whip to clear the floor of the temple. (Wait a minute I couldn’t get away with that, because that isn’t nice.) Then there was the time Jesus offended a women by reminding her about her adulterous affair or when Jesus made a young man feel sorry because he could not give up his earthly treasures. Scripture proves that at times Jesus wasn’t always nice (in the way we consider nice).

What I have learned over 20+ years of ministry is that too often the church plays the “niceness card” to avoid conflict, accountability, ministry, or a deeper understanding of the faith.  I don’t know how many times I have heard people say, “You can’t say that?” or “How will people take that?” only for us to spend time rewording or reworking a situation so far away from the original intent that it totally grays the issue. And why?  We have to be nice.

I wonder how many times we have “niced-over” the situation and totally allowed a deeper judgment to build. How often does our niceness become a catalyst for continued abuse?  How often for the sake of being nice do we neglect or avoid the real issues?

I see this so frequently when the church has to make a difficult decision. Too often it is immediately translated as the church being “mean” – or “not nice.” When in reality, it is because we personally do not like the decision made. Often it is turned into judgment in our own mind and thrown back in the face of the church leadership or decision makers. I have heard it, “That is not how Jesus would handle this?” or “Jesus would have more compassion than the church has had?” 

Really?  Maybe, we have missed the point. Maybe we have turned the table on ourselves. Maybe those decisions are not so much about being mean, but rather about truthfulness, challenging the status quo, and finding needed accountability.

The church suffers when we simply are “nice” for the sake of not offending anyone.   

Throughout history,

Christians have been nice instead of defending the poor and oppressed. 

Christians have been nice instead of welcoming the outcast.

Christians have been nice instead of befriending the friendless.

And we still have more to learn, because…

You and I are often nice while oppressing our sisters or brothers.

You and I are often nice while passing right by the homeless person on the corner.

You and I are often nice while being narcissistic and homophobic.

The reality is that we all can be nice instead of being like Christ.  Let’s try to be more like Christ and not simply nice.