Dan Rains Celebration of Life Message (08/21/21)

It is an honor for me to give this message for my dear friend Dan. This afternoon,  not only am I wearing his sweater vest, I am also wearing a pair of Dan’s socks. He and I had many sock-sharing moments since we both have an affinity for fun socks.  The specific socks I am wearing today are Dan's Captain America socks – they are definitely conversation starters whenever I wear them.   

Sadly, I only had three years to get to really know Dan.  But in those three years I was introduced to a man who both struggled with his failures as well as celebrated his successes.  He often did this in a unique way. Sometimes he came right out and was open and frank with you, while on other occasions he was full of questions or cryptic in his dialogue. But one thing that was true at Dan’s core was his love for people, love for music, love for stories, love for Quakerism, and his love for a God and faith he wrestled to understand.    

I met Dan and Susan for the first time, just up the road at the Seasons 52 restaurant outside the fashion mall at Keystone.  My wife and I were having dinner with the leadership of First Friends as they were considering me for their new pastor. This was actually the first time we had met any of the people around the table, and at the time Dan was the Clerk of our Meeting.  That night he happened to be sitting across from me at the table as the wine list was being passed around.  

Now, my wife, Sue and I had just arrived in Indy on a red-eye flight from Oregon and had only a couple hours of sleep.  We were not really wanting a glass of wine, or we could have easily fallen asleep at the table.  But as we all began to look at our menus we opened a discussion of the various wines from the Willamette Valley in Oregon, where we had come from.

I noticed Dan was trying to break into the conversation, and as soon as a pause was made, Dan asked in the most serious tone, “Do you know what type of wine horses request most often?”  I stopped briefly and wondered – did he just say horses? I assumed I was just tired, and then it came - my first ever Dan Rains pun - Chardon-neighhhh….  

That would be the first of many, many Dan Rains puns.  We have all suffered from them, but you must admit, he had a way of bringing an unexpected smile to your face.  He was just as notorious for sharing jokes, cartoons, and short stories just to get a rise out of people. 

Speaking of stories, by the end of that first meeting at Seasons 52, Dan had already asked me if I had ever read “A Prayer for Owen Meany” by John Irving.  How many of you were asked by Dan if you had read “A Prayer for Owen Meany” (raise your hand) and how many of you read it simply because Dan asked you too? (raise your hand).  

I had so many conversations with Dan about Owen Meany that I realized it was not just an important book to Dan – it was part of Dan.  

See, when Dan was diagnosed and started to decline, I promised I would finish the book before he passed so we could truly discuss it.  If you are not familiar with “A Prayer for Owen Meany” -  it is quite long at 543 pages.    

Every time Dan and I would meet - after his opening pun or joke, he would ask, “Where are you in Owen Meany?”  He wanted to know how far I had made it since our last gathering.  

Sometimes that was only days a part, but he was relentless.  So, I downloaded it and began listening to it as I drove to and from work to get through it faster.  I even got my wife to listen to it, as well.  

Dan would ask – have you made it to the part about the Armadillo? How about the Christmas Pageant? How about the dream or the finger?  

No matter where I was in the story, I noticed how our conversation did not stay on Owen Meany for long.  Once Dan knew I had engaged, it was ok to talk more openly about his own story.  

Actually, Dan often allowed Owen Meany’s story to be the catalyst for his story.  Soon, I realized I was beginning to see Dan in Owen Meany.  And as I have gone back and thought about what Dan told me about growing up, about life with his siblings, even the questions he struggled with about God, the Church, and life in general.  It was all illustrated in a unique or similar way in the pages of this beloved book.  

I believe Dan had us all read “A Prayer for Owen Meany” because it was his way of sharing with us his journey.  As we joined Dan in reading the story, we became the John Wheelwrights to Dan’s Owen.  And you and I too were invited to wrestle with the “everlasting questions” of this life – just as the author, John Irving, had intended.  

In Dan’s last year, many of us saw a transition or maybe even a transformation taking place in his life.  As Dan and I would meet, we would spend a lot of time wrestling with the “everlasting questions.”  We talked about leaving a legacy, about how a doctor helps others die well, what heaven might be like, and what his role was in all of this. 

One day Dan brought me a children’s book. I immediately assumed it was for my wife, since she teaches Kindergarten, but he slid it across my desk and said, “When you have time, read this.”  That night, I took it home, still thinking I was to give it to Sue, then I cracked it open and began to read.  

The book was “Badger’s Parting Gifts” by Susan Varley.  It’s about an Old Badger who had been the woodland creatures’ confidant, advisor, and friend. In a surprising twist for a children’s book, Badger dies, leaving the other animals overwhelmed by their loss…that is… until they begin to remember.  

I began to cry as I read, 

“Each of the animals had a special memory of Badger – something he had taught them that they could now do extremely well. He had given them each something to treasure: a parting gift that would become all the more special each time it was passed on to others.  As the last of the snow melted, so did the animals’ sadness. Whenever Badger’s name was mentioned, someone remembered another story that made them all smile.” 

Dan stopped by one day just after being diagnosed with cancer and sat in my office looking a bit defeated.  He had just been out golfing and wanted to stop by and share with me something he read from Anne Lamott – another favorite author we shared.  

In this photo-copied article that Dan passed me to peruse, Anne was sharing about her friend Ann Brebner who had just passed away at the age of 93.  Anne Lamott wrote, 

“…believe me, she had done the dying part, the closing-up-shop-part, the leaving-us part, just like everyone has to do. It’s death 101 for everyone here on the incarnational side of things: we do it with no owner’s manual (Death for Dummies?), and at the end, alone.”   

 

This day, I believe Dan made it his mission for the rest of his time on this Earth, to show us how to die well. 

 

He knew he had some time, and he was determined to do the dying part with Quaker Integrity and for the benefit of those he would be leaving.  

As I continued to peruse the article Dan had given me, I noticed that he had numbered 6 important insights that Anne had outlined in dealing with her friend’s death that he thought were essential.  These would become a major part in how he saw his life and what he could teach us. Just let me read these 6 insights. 

1. This thing (dying), this aspect of reality, this weird aspect of life, can just wreck everything if you don’t figure out at some point that it is what makes life so profound, meaningful, rich, complex, wild.  If you try and outrun this existential truth, with manic achievement and people-pleasing and exotic distractions, it begins to argue a wasted life.  

2. Do you want to have instant meaning and incentive and almost heartbreaking appreciation in your life?  Live starting now – as if you have three months left.  

3. The most important thing you can do if someone is dying?  Show up: listen; nod.

4. Share with each other your worries, sorrow, impatience, and anxiety about the process.

5. Crying and grieving heal us, cleanse us, baptize us, moisturize us, water the seeds hidden deep in the ground at our feet.  

6. And what about Death? Be proud as you want: bore me later, because LOVE is sovereign here.  Life never ends. Joy comes in the morning. Glory Hallelujah. And let it be so.  

Dan and I often talked about difficult scriptures, theologies, or even dogmatic teachings of the various churches and religions – much like Owen Meany, he continued to work out his faith until the very end.  

But often Dan would ask me, “But in the end doesn’t it all come down to LOVE?”  

Dan conveyed that often when he would stand as a Weighty Friend during “Waiting Worship” in this very space and speak out of the silence. 

Dan would convey that in his love for the faith choices and decisions of his family – whether he agreed with them or not.  

And Dan conveyed them in his love for Susan as she cared for him unconditionally.  

Love, as Dan believed, was the key.  That is why I believe the scripture he highlighted for us to use was simple, poetic, and profound: 

“Love is as strong as death.” – Song of Solomon 8:6

If you read on it says, 

“…for love is as strong as death, its jealousy unyielding as the grave. It burns like blazing fire, like a mighty flame.”

In my last conversation with Dan, Susan and I had joined him at their dinner table and he was really weak and slipping away.  But he had those “everlasting questions” still on his mind.  He proceeded to ask me what I thought was going to happen after death – it was close now.   

We had talked of this on several occasions.  He never wanted a sugar-coated or highly dogmatic answer – instead he wanted something that made sense and gave him peace.  

I began by exclaiming, “Dan you know that is a mystery and one of the hardest questions for a pastor to answer.”  Sure, there are lots of metaphorical and even mythical views, and scripture doesn’t help clarify the subject. We laughed a bit when I mentioned clouds, trumpets, and angel wings, but he stuck with it and kept wanting more.  

I had recently been reading “The Universal Christ” by Richard Rohr and I mentioned that what I was currently reading may speak to your condition and to the way we understand and experience God.  So, without book in hand, I spoke in my own words what had impressed me from Rohr’s work.

I said as Quakers we believe the Light as being that of God in and around us.  But that Light is also Love.  God is Love and that love is the energy that sustains the universe and all of life.

What happens in this life is that we are gradually drawn to be united with this light – this love.  

As Richard Rohr put it so well, “God loves things by uniting with them – not by excluding them.” 

Faith then is acknowledging that you are accepted by this God who wants to unite with you.  

As Quakers this makes sense because we believe ALL people have that of God within them.  Our resurrection then is an embracing of this unitive love with God for eternity, and that makes the gospel about learning to live and die in and with God.  

We, like Jesus, will one day morph into this ubiquous Light and Love for all eternity.  How or in what way, doesn’t matter. What matters is that we are embraced by the Love of God.  

Dan smiled and nodded in agreement.  That is what he wanted and was prepared to experience.   

Richard Rohr says, “People who are properly aligned with Love and Light will always see in good ways that are not obvious to the rest of us.”  

I believe Dan was aligning with that Love and Light for quite some time – but he also wanted you and me to find a way to align with it as well. 

Like Badger In the children’s story, Dan gave each of us something to treasure; a parting gift that would become all the more special each time it was passed on to others.  May we continue Dan’s legacy of dying well by seeking to unite with the Light and Love of God and one another this day!  

And all of God’s people said, Amen.